


A Seashell

by xxDreamy



Series: Malec Flufftober 2019 [16]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Arguing, Disappointment, Fights, Hugs, It was supposed to be a Flufftober fic but yeah, M/M, Necklaces, Pain, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Promises, Regrets, Tears, seashell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 14:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21056264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxDreamy/pseuds/xxDreamy
Summary: Four years ago it felt like the right choice. Split up, focus on their careers, be happy.Four years later it feels like a mistake.-----Based on a prompt from Lecrit: two past lovers, many regrets and a necklace that seemed to be long-forgotten.





	A Seashell

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!
> 
> To be honest, this fic is one of my favourites in Flufftober and I really hope you'll enjoy it! <3
> 
> Have fun reading <3 And if I made mistakes, I'm sorry, I'm trying my best but they are still here.
> 
> D.

Alec walks into the bar, leather jacket thrown over his grey shirt, well-aware he is thirty-six minutes late. He is never late but this week was really intense and today escalated pretty quickly, changing his whole day into a mess. He is happy this nightmare is over now.

He nearly falls down when he collides with someone and he comes back from his trance, his hazel eyes moving onto the man.

_Magnus._

He looks tired, his brown irises are hazy and unfocused, his hands are shaking by his sides. He may be as beautiful as always but there is this weird aura emanating from him, something is off, he seems… empty. He is wearing a beige tight-fitting sweater and black jeans that leave a little to Alec’s imagination. There are necklaces hanging from his neck which shine brightly in a dimmed light of the bar.

“Are you okay?”, Alec finally stutters, his fingers twitching slightly, eager to reach for Magnus and check if he’s okay, but he stops them by his sides.

“Yeah”, he mumbles, his gaze focused on something behind Alec, like he is avoiding his eyes. Isn’t that all they do these days? “I’m fine, I just don’t feel well, I need to go home”, he tells him and turns on his feet to head towards the door. Alec looks back, watching him carefully. Only when the door closes behind Magnus, does he realize that he was wearing a special necklace.

The one Alec hasn’t seen in four years.

_Alec stares at the sea, watching the huge waves hitting the sand. The view is so peaceful and beautiful and he wishes he could keep it forever in his memory. Magnus lays his chin on his shoulder, his lips pressed to Alec’s shirt. He can feel his smile which shows up on his face when Magnus leaves a small peck on the material. “I love you so much”, he whispers, sighing contently. Alec grins widely and turns his head to leave a long kiss on his forehead._

_“I love you too, so much you can’t imagine”, he mumbles against his skin and his boyfriend giggles, catching his left hand into a tight grip. Alec looks him in the eyes, brown irises glued to his own hazel ones, and he rubs off some of the sand that landed on Magnus’ cheek. “You are so incredibly beautiful”, he says and Magnus bites his lip, leaning his forehead against Alec’s. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me”, he confesses and Magnus lets out a shaky breath. Alec guides his hand to rest on his boyfriend’s neck and angles his mouth for a kiss. In a light of sunset Magnus’ lips look even more appealing and his whole face seems to be brighter. Alec loves him even more when he looks so natural and vulnerable, it means he trusts him enough to share this part of himself. With that thought rushing through his mind, he connects their lips, feeling Magnus’ small gasp hitting his skin. They take their time, exploring each other’s mouths, sighing happily at simple touches and letting out breathless moans when the other shifts a little too close. At some point Alec decides to push Magnus on the sand, hovering over him, chasing his lips whenever they pull out to take a breath. This is one of those moments Alec desperately wants to hold on to forever. Kissing the man he loves, enjoying their time together and just _being, _that’s all he needs to stay happy._

_His hand moves on the sand, coming upon something sharp. He closes his fist to keep it in his grasp and pulls back to look at the thing in his hand. Magnus whines a little at the sudden change of the mood but Alec sends him his best smile to make up for it while his fingers are rifling through the sand. When he finds it, he catches it in his thumb and index finger, showing Magnus a tiny, almost gold-like, seashell. His boyfriend gasps, his own hand reaching to touch the finding. “It’s beautiful”, he breathes out and Alec beams at him, hazel eyes glued to it. He closes it in his fist, laying it on Magnus’ extended palm._

_“It’s for you”, he tells him and his boyfriend laughs breathlessly, pulling Alec closer to give him a long peck. He can almost hear his thoughts when Magnus bites his lip, watching his present. Suddenly, he breaks it, handing Alec one of two perfect halves. “You didn’t have to”, Alec chokes out, too emotional to find any coherent words._

_“Now we match. They belong together”, he explains, connecting two seashells. “Just like us”, he adds and Alec leans closer to kiss his cheek, lingering slightly just because he wants to show how grateful he is._

_“If they belong together, they will always find their way to each other, right?”, he asks him and Magnus caresses his jaw with his thumb._

_“Yeah”, he giggles at his silly question. “We will always find our way back to each other”, he agrees and Alec eagerly presses his lips against his grin._

Alec knocks on the door with his trembling hand, the other closed in a fist by his side. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, and lists all the things he came here to say in his head. He waits patiently with fear flowing through his veins. He doesn’t know how to face Magnus or what he is supposed to say to him. He only knows there is this gut feeling he can’t get rid of that tells him to stir his stumps and asks his ex-lover about his tonight’s mood. He can’t let it go. He needs to understand. When Magnus doesn’t open after few long moments, Alec knocks again and listens carefully, trying to catch any sound of approaching footsteps. There is nothing other than silence. He sighs tiredly, resting his forehead against the door.

“Magnus, I know you’re there”, he says slowly, shutting his eyes. “Please, open”, he almost begs. He counts to ten and hears the lock opening. Magnus appears in the doorframe, wrapped in a heavy green blanket. He doesn’t even blink, sparring Alec only one teary glance, before he turns around and walks inside the loft. He takes it for a silent invitation and steps inside, closing the door behind him. He keeps his mouth shut, watching Magnus rests against the wall, his brown eyes glued to the window or rather something he sees behind it. When they make a one-second eye contact in the pane, Alec is able to notice the emptiness covering Magnus’ whole face. He opens his mouth to say something but words get stuck in his throat, the sight of dried tears on his ex-lover’s cheeks punches the air from his lungs. He wants to reach for Magnus’ body, hide him in his arms, take all the pain away but he can’t. He lost this privilege years ago.

“How did we end up here?”, Magnus says quietly, probably more to himself than Alec.

“We just did”, he breathes out, unable to stop himself, and swallows loudly.

“Why did we let each other go?”, he asks, his voice shaking. “Why did you let me go?”, he mumbles and it feels like thousand daggers digging into Alec’s chest.

“I don’t understand”, Alec tells him honestly, his breathing heavy.

“I didn’t get the project”, Magnus admits instead with fresh tears strolling down his cheeks. Alec notices them because they shine in a dimmed light of his living room. Magnus turns around, his cheeks puffed, his Adam’s apple bobbing when he tries to explain. Alec’s heart squeezes in his chest, sending pain through his whole body. He may not be so close with Magnus anymore but he knows how important it was for him. He knows how important his work is. It’s why they split up after all. As much as he wants to ask for details, he lets Magnus take his time, calm his breath and do it all on his own terms. “Lorenzo did”, he adds like it should explain everything. “Lorenzo did”, he laughs breathlessly, laying his hand on his forehead, clearly trying to understand. Disbelief is present on his features when he spins around, his blanket falling from his right shoulder, revealing a soft sweatshirt Alec remembers he gave him some time ago when he tried to prove how comfortable his clothes are. It’s from _him_. Magnus kept it. His heart stutters in his chest and a lump appears in his throat. “I worked my ass off! I did everything he wanted, I did everything _they _wanted! They had me at their beck and call! I sacrificed _everything_ trying to get this project. I wanted it for years and I thought-”, he stops, choking on his tears. “I was an idiot to even have hope”, he states, biting his lip to stop it from trembling. “They said they wanted someone new, someone to dedicate themselves. They had me on for _years. _And at the end, they left me with nothing. I should’ve seen it coming”, he whispers to himself and Alec opens his mouth to say something. “They truly left me with nothing”, he repeats before Alec can utter a word. “I have nothing, Alexander”, he tells him, tears flashing in his brown eyes when they make eye contact.

“It’s not true”, Alec convinces him, finally able to interrupt his train of thoughts. “You have-”, he starts slowly. “You have _us_”, he reasons with him and Magnus laughs at his response, the sound devoid of any emotions.

“I let go of everything to have something”, he mutters under his nose. “And now I don’t have anything”

“No, no”, Alec shakes his head rapidly and Magnus looks at him, wrapping his blanket tighter around him.

“I came home”, Magnus tells him and Alec shuts his mouth. “I came home, I cried for hours but then I dressed up because I couldn’t miss our night. Not when we didn’t have one in weeks”, he explains, his fingers fidgeting with the green fabric. “And you weren’t there”, he whispers. “You weren’t there”, he repeats. “You should’ve seen their faces, all of them so happy”, Magnus stutters, staring at the wall behind Alec. “They didn’t want to wait, they were so excited”, he says quietly. “Simon was jumping in his seat when he announced Maia’s pregnancy”, he laughs hollowly. “They all were squealing so loudly when Aline and Helen told us about their upcoming wedding. I wanted to be happy for them. I really wanted, Alexander”, Magnus confesses brokenly and Alec blinks tears from his eyes. “We could’ve had it all if I wasn’t such an idiot”, he adds in barely a whisper, the words certainly not meant for Alec’s ears.

“Stop”, Alec chokes out, his fists clenched at his sides.

“Do you ever think about it?”, Magnus asks him, ignoring his begging. “What would happen if I didn’t want us to split up?”

“You know it was _our _choice”, Alec tells him firmly. “We both wanted to focus on our careers”, he tries to convince him. “We would do it anyway, even if you didn’t ask”, he says, surprised at his own hopeless explanation. Magnus shakes his head, clearly not believing a word.

“No, we wouldn’t. I know you”, he breathes out. “You don’t give up on someone just because they are a hard choice. You would never”, he chokes out, covering his mouth to stop the sob that wants to escape him.

“Magnus”, Alec whispers, shutting his eyes to hold back the tears.

“They all stayed together. Simon and Maia, Aline and Helen, Clary and Izzy. They worked through breakups, breakdowns and distance. And I let you go because I thought it was the only way to fully dedicate to my work”

“Maybe we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for that choice”, Alec tells him, his voice shallow.

“We would. We should’ve done it together”, Magnus answers firmly, digging his fingers into his skin. “I just wanted us to be happy. I didn’t understand what was more important. I do now”, he mutters under his nose. “And it’s too late”, he mumbles to himself.

“I remember you telling me to stop overthinking what-ifs. There is nothing we can change about them. We don’t know the possible outcomes. We only live in here and now. You always told me to do that”, he reminds him and Magnus laughs bitterly.

“And look where it got me”

“What will you have from it? What will it change?”, Alec asks him and Magnus’ whole body trembles.

“I don’t know, okay?”, he shouts angrily, the blanket falling on the floor. “Why are you so fucking perfect? Why do you always have to be so perfect? Why aren’t you angry? Why don’t you hate me? Why?!”, he yells at him, holding his head in his hands. “Why did you let me be an idiot? Why did you even let me go?”, he punches him in the chest. His fingers shake when he digs them into his eyes. He mumbles something under his nose but Alec can’t hear a thing, too focused on the state he is in. He chokes on his breath and stumbles on his feet and Alec just–

_–reacts._

“Look at me. Magnus, look at me”, he orders firmly, catching his hands into his. “You need to calm down”, he says slowly. “You need to breathe. In and out, in and out. Look at me”, he tells him, trying to pull him out of his trance. He did it so many times when they were together. He experienced this on so many levels. He even felt it himself.

“Why. Did. You. Let. Me. Go?”, he stutters between pants and Alec catches his arms in his palms and shakes him lightly.

“Because I love you!”, he shouts loudly and Magnus freezes in place. “I love you”, he whispers, loosening his grip on Magnus’ skin. “I would do _anything _for you”, he confesses quietly, swallowing down his tears. His ex-lover stares at him in shock, his body almost limp in Alec’s hold. “You think I wasn’t angry? You think I wasn’t in pain? You think I didn’t break down? It all happened, Magnus. I went through it all”, he confesses hopelessly. “But then I saw you when we met few weeks later. You were so happy and successful, you got promoted, you were _glowing_. I understood I couldn’t just live in the past, dwelling on what we had. If you moved on, I had to try too. I had to find my own place. I had to find my way. And I did”, he ends with tears in his eyes. Magnus lets out a small sob and when he chokes on it, it triggers new ones. Alec steps closer, hiding him in his arms, and allows him to cry, trying to ease his pain with his barely audible whispers.

He doesn’t know how long they stay like this, with two strong hands gripping desperately at his shirt and his palms travelling up and down Magnus’ back. As much as he hates the reason it’s happening, he can’t help but feel at ease for the first time in so long. “I love you”, Magnus chokes out suddenly, their silent bubble bursting at those words. “And I lost you”

“You didn’t, I’m right here”, Alec whispers and Magnus presses his face to his chest.

“Don’t say that just to make me feel better”, he begs him in a broken voice and Alec pulls back to catch his face in his hands.

“Listen to me”, he orders firmly. “I. Love. You”, he emphasizes each word slowly. “I loved you and I will always love you”, he adds, his fingers caressing Magnus’ skin.

“Please”, Magnus breathes out, resting his forehead against Alec’s. “Please, don’t ever let me be an idiot again. Don’t ever let me go. I can’t lose you again. Please, _stay_”

“I’m not going anywhere, remember? Belonging together and stuff”, he jokes and Magnus laughs, his warm breath hitting Alec’s cheeks. “Magnus”, he says warningly. “_I_ need _you _to stay too”, he mumbles, gripping his waist to hold him close.

“I promise-”, he starts, his voice shaking.

“Don’t promise things you can’t offer”, Alec tells him pleadingly and Magnus shakes his head.

“I want to stay till the day you’ll be sick of me. I don’t want to ever leave you again”, he admits.

“No man could ever be sick of you, Magnus Bane”, he answers honestly. Magnus smiles widely for the first time this evening and puts his arms on Alec’s shoulders to pull him into a tight embrace.

If Alec is being honest, the hug itself seems like a promise.


End file.
